A Personal Ad

So, I’ve been single my entire life, 26 years and counting. I haven’t meet anyone worth my time. I’ve been out and queer for about four years now. I’ve been looking everywhere for someone to date to no avail. I figured, if I haven’t met someone in a quarter of a century – I am probably never going to meet anyone.

I’ve tried everything: internet dating, speed dating, going to bars/clubs, joining clubs, starting clubs, going to shows, and putting on shows. I don’t know, it just seems like the people I want to meet don’t exist anywhere. There is only a handful of queer punks to begin with and to find one that’s straightedge, vegan, and monogamous is never going to happen.

Everyone keeps on feeding me the same lines, “It’d happen when you least expect it.” “It’d happened when you stop looking for it.” But it’s just not. I feel like I am missing out on part of the human experience of having a connection with someone. I want a partner in life but I feel like I’ll never have one. I am one of the sweetest people around – not nice out of weakness – nice because I know better. I would go anywhere in the world to have a community but there doesn’t seem to be people to build that community with. I don’t know how to put myself out there more than I already have.

I am tired of 1’s, 2’s, and 3’s. I have been feeling very bored with the world and the people in it. I haven’t met any colorful people or anyone who’s been able to hold my interest for more than week in years. I’ve gone on lots of first dates – never a second.

I didn’t even look for someone to date for a long time because I was really broken. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my open wounds so I didn’t look for anyone to share it with. I didn’t think it would be fair. Now, I spent lots of time working on myself, getting to know myself, and healing myself. I felt like I done all this work to make myself as awesome as I can be and I want to share it with someone but there’s no one awesome for me to share it with.

I want an intellectual equal but I have yet to meet anyone who is. I have met people who have more education than me and talk in big words almost as big as their ego. It doesn’t impress me. I have never met anyone as smart as me though. I met lots of people who talk big about love and compassion but don’t live it. I meet lots of people who dress like me and pretend to be like me but they aren’t. I have never meet another anarcho-pacifist straightedge peace punk. They aren’t at shows. They aren’t at the radical feminist bookstores. I have no idea where to look.

I suppose that’s why I started this journal to try to connect with like-minded people. I wish someone was looking for me as much as I am looking for them. I had a hit the other day by someone who googled “transgender” + “anarchist” + “vegetarian” and I was really disappointed that they didn’t say hello. I don’t write just to be heard – I want to hear you too.

I am a very sensitive, kind, and loving creature. I have a real big heart. I don’t play games and I say it how I see it. Most people can’t handle it. I have a hard time relating to people because I really do care and most people don’t. It’s almost a curse to be a 5 in a land of 3’s. My life would be a lot easier if I didn’t care, was stupid, and mean. I’d have lots of people to date just like me if I liked team sports, group think, eating flesh, and had imaginary friends. But, that isn’t me.

I am not a cookie cutter person from a cookie cutter system. I am a beautiful lotus flower that risen from the murkiest of muddy waters. Some people can’t see beyond the mohawk, piercings, and tattoos. The punk t-shirts, heavy boots, and work pants. I like dressing loud and being punk because punk is the only subculture to have stopped a war. My dress is my armor to the world – because my heart is really on my sleeve. I don’t put up a front – I am always me.

I want wonderful and amazing people to be friends with and play with. I have a handful scattered around the world but I could always use more. Good people are really rare. I wish I could find someone good to give my heart to.

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14 Responses to “A Personal Ad”

  1. Kokoe Says:

    1) Don’t despair in the numbers. You haven’t been looking for 25 years. Maybe 10, but not 25.

    2) have you heard of The Radical Faeries? DM me if you need more info.

    • Jess Five Says:

      I heard of the radical faeries but I thought it was a group geared towards and consisting of gay men. Not much place for a female-bodied genderqueer dyke in the mix.

  2. Kevin Says:

    You’re a wonderful writer with good a good heart and good intentions.
    It will come. You mentioned that you are a beautiful flower. You are and you’re still blooming and finding yourself. It sounds dated and worn out…but it will come! Until it does, use this time to continue to cultivate your magnificent self. And think of all the people who DON’T deserve you and your awesome being. I say, “too bad for them”.

  3. Tarald Says:

    I wish you all the good luck in the world!
    You are really sure you want someone just like yourself?
    I am looking fore someone special myself and have found that I would prefer a person who is not very much like me. I am easily bored and want a man with a little mystery to him just by being different from me. I find that a person like that helps me develop my personality in a very good way. I experienced it once and still mourn over the end of that relationship.

    I thought I would never find someone as intelligent as me, gay and ok with my body not being 100% originally male. I’m a transman in middle of transition. I found such a person and do hope there is more of them out there. Just thought I should mention to give you some hope.

    Another tip: Being load about your self image as the most intelligent in the world is often a turn-off for people regardless of their own intelligence.

    • Jess Five Says:

      I am not the most intelligent creature in the world – I hope I’m not anyways. 😉 I never talk down to people of any intelligence – I always treat people as my equals. This is however a blog of my thoughts – some more personal than others. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me but these are my thoughts. No more, no less. Thanks for wishing me luck! You are really lucky to have found someone. Good luck finding another. I really like myself and would like someone similar – someone I can relate to. I can honestly say I am my ideal person. I personally think that’s pretty awesome. They don’t have to be an exact clone – but a fit enough that we don’t get on each other’s nerves. I want a loving, caring relationship, not one of strife and fighting.

  4. Anne Says:

    Sigh….that was nice to read.
    I spent the majority of my 20s in relationships….finding them has never been an issue, falling in love and truly connecting is where the problem for me lies….I have a block.
    I’m about to turn 32, been out and queer and working in the community for 10 years… I’m in therapy now, have acupuncture done once a week, I’m single….and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. This new year is going to be good.
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts for me to read this Saturday morning…
    -A

    • Jess Five Says:

      You’re welcome! Glad to hear things are going well for you. I’ve never been in a relationship and I feel like I am missing out on part of the human experience. I am super picky. I’ve been on lots of first dates, never end up having a second one. I can’t find anyone who holds my interest. There just aren’t any straightedge vegan queer punks out there – except for me. Haha.

      • Anne Says:

        Ha…I can’t understand why you would want someone just like yourself, like another poster….but to each their own. Perhaps I just can’t handle someone like me….at the same time, I have a problem handling myself sometimes, so that speaks probably to my larger issues. ha.

        I tend to date vegan queer punks who cook me steaks on cold Sunday nights.

        And I’m a huge fan of first dates. Love them. The nerves, the unknown, all of it… but sometimes, you don’t really see a real person until date two or three or six. You should attempt more second dates, if there is the little bit of interest there. You might be surprised what you find.

      • Jess Five Says:

        Where do you find vegan queer punks? I’ve been looking everywhere for some and they are no where to be found. Usually, there’s no interest. I suppose I am rather hard to impress. I’d like someone with the same foundational values – I couldn’t live with a meat eater or a drug user.

  5. Anne Says:

    I live in Chicago. There’s quite an impressive number of vegan queer punks in this city.
    I don’t know where you’re located…..midwest? a particular coast? somewhere in between?

    • Jess Five Says:

      In the middle of the bible belt in Southern California but I am currently looking for a new home. I went to a punk show in Chicago a summer or two ago. I only met two queer punks at the show – they were 16. Haha. Where would one go in Chicago to find queer vegan punks? I wouldn’t have thought there’d be that many in Chicago. In all of New York City there was about 5 other queer punks who would go to shows and only one was vegetarian.

  6. Joyfulgirl415 Says:

    Hey jess, I saw you on the ppk and followed your link here. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. Lots of us feel lost in the search for someone to love. I’ve ended up kind of trying to make peace with the fact that I might not find someone.
    Anyway, I really just wanted to say something about your comment that “In all of New York City there was about 5 other queer punks…” There are definitely more. Did you ever spend any time in Brooklyn when you were up here? I tend to find more like-minded people there (or maybe the people I know there just take me to the right places) and of course in some of manhattan too.
    hang in there 🙂

    • Jess Five Says:

      No, really, there aren’t anymore queer punks in NYC. Queer punks are -super- rare. I used to go to all the diy feminist/queer/punk shows in both Brooklyn and Manhattan. I spent many a Wednesdays at The Metropolitan which is queer hipster haven but alas, no punks. I used to go to most of the queer parties too despite the fact I don’t drink to try to find like-minded people. I spent two years posting ads on Craigslist. I organized queer/feminist/anarchist groups. I used to volunteer and hang out at Bluestockings, the radical feminist bookstore. I volunteered at Abc No Rio and helped put on punk shows. I put on a few feminist/queer shows for charities. I’ve been to punk houses and collective houses. I went everywhere and anywhere. Readings, events, and protests. Nothing. Lots of fakes and people in love with the IDEA of being an activist and not being a real activist. After two years of being super active and going to almost every event I could find, I realized what I am looking for isn’t in NYC. Plus I tried all the online services you can think of and speed dating. I met one other straightedge vegan during my time there and he didn’t have any interest in being friends. NYC doesn’t attract the type of people I want so I left. The problem is I don’t know where to go to find the people I want. =(

      Yeah, I have kind of accepted the fact I am probably going to be alone but I figured no harm in trying.

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